So close, I believe

I don’t know who to turn to.

Like in the deep inner recesses of my being, sometimes I am so confused.

And every time I go to church, it’s like an outpouring though I don’t exactly recite the prayers nor do I sing out loud. Yet, there will always come these tears. Honestly, God knows how it even started flowing??? Seriously though……… it’s actually really embarrassing.

Anyhow, I attended the Stations of the Cross tonight at my parish church and truth be told, I love it a lot. It’s a form of reflective meditation that asks you to look back on your life and how we actually nail Jesus to the cross daily by our nasty actions. (i.e. being angry to the people we meet in our lives etc.) I don’t know about you, but that hits right home for me.



Then I will constantly wonder why in my life, I am always sent to be with people who do not believe in God. Or people who just aren’t strong in their faith. And all these people are the utmost closest to me. Most of the time, I actually think my faith is very shallow and I feel desperate for someone to help me. But since everyone else around me is not interested, then what?



If I drew a scatter plot diagram, the correlation would be that God wants me to spread His word to these people.



But I can’t.



Because, even though I strongly believe in my faith and have strong emotions and desires for God’s love for me, I don’t know how I can go about talking about my faith or God without constantly thinking “They must be bored”. I don’t even have the courage to say, “Hey instead of meeting at the cafe this time, let’s meet for a 30 minute prayer in church before dinner.”

Oh how I long to be able to talk openly with someone about the things I love. What more, the God I love? It’s crazy because everyone judges you these days. And everyone’s hearts are just set on superficial things. Things like getting a good degree, a high paying job, 4.0 GPA, all these medals and trophies….. Whatever. You catch my drift. I wish I could talk to people about things like our bigger purpose here on this Earth. I wish I could chat freely about how God created this whole Earth for us to impact one another’s lives to constantly better ourselves. I wish people would use death as the carrot, not money. And I wish people would see relationships on this Earth, more valuable than silver and gold.

“So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,

Till my trophies at last I lay down;

I will cling to the old rugged cross,

And exchange it someday for a crown.”

Then again, maybe that’s just my ideal scene of things. And my ideal scene may not be someone’s ideal scene. And of course, vice versa. Then maybe, I really am cut out to live a life of solitude.



Just maybe.