Who we choose to become
“The perfect family doesn’t exist, nor is there a perfect husband or a perfect wife, and let’s not talk about the perfect mother-in-law! It’s just us sinners.” A healthy family life requires frequent use of three phrases: “May I? Thank you, and I’m sorry” and “never, never, never end the day without making peace.”
— Pope Francis (Meeting with engaged couples, Feb. 14, 2014)
It’s been stranger than usual.
The thoughts, the emotions, the feelings…
When they said happiness is fleeting, I scoffed. A little too early maybe.
It’s now mid-July 2018. And that leaves us with five and a half more months to the wedding day… Yet, our issues seem larger than they were 6 years ago when we first started dating.
Sometimes I question if my expectations are out of this world? Maybe, I genuinely am the cause of disagreements and all the negative connotations associated with disappointments. Maybe I should quit the Korean and Hollywood dramas. They ruin what romance should work out to be. Yet, on the other hand, I am aware of these overly theatrical scenes and tamper my expectations prudently.
So am I really being unreasonable?
It also mildly bothers me that 5 months to saying “I do”, I am made aware that my in-laws probably don’t like me as much as I thought them to be. This is exactly the life my mother warned me about. But I fought hard to be in this situation. Nobody should be responsible for this but me.
And this phrase kept coming back to me (it was Bible Sunday last week and this was the 2nd reading at mass):
Three times, I prayed to the Lord, that it may leave me, but he answered, “My grace is enough for you; my great strength is revealed in weakness.”
Gladly then, will I boast of my weakness, that the strength of Christ may be mine. So I rejoice when I suffer infirmities, humiliations, want, persecutions: all for Christ! For when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:8-10)
So I guess I should question no more…?
As I read this, tears stream down my flushed post-alcohol face.
I really should have known better.
Yet, once more I have failed the mission.
I have failed as a Catholic; failed as a future spouse; failed to fully understand God’s plan in matrimony…
When I saw how FF broke down in front of me, it crushed me. A rush of guilt overwhelmed my being, and I just wanted to hug him and apologize. Unfortunately, the environmental condition was not cooperating as it was grossly humid. I was also crazily in a half-rolled up long sleeved flannel shirt emitting heat like mad. Needless to say, he pushed me away after a while. Which saddened me a little more. But I just hope he felt a tinge better, not worse off.
We talked about the serious stuff in an indirect manner – about calling off the wedding if need be. About how our fundamentals were vastly differing, and (in his words, I quote), “our hearts are not connected”.
That is when I sat down to reflect a little more (and cry a little more). And I figured we caved in to the external pressures. If we had just focused on each other as if there were only two of us in this planet right now, maybe none of us would be feeling the way we are currently feeling.
He likes to say that this is all just molding him into being a better person. Or what he commonly likes to term it, “a test”. I couldn’t agree more. And who’s in a better position to remind each other but me/him?
Isn’t that what marriage is all about? Leading each other to holiness…
Ah, yes. To love is a decision. And we too, choose to become the persons we willingly choose to become.
Today, I have made the decision to choose love. And I will choose it again a thousand times, a thousand times. #LestWeForget