Melancholy
I took a nap this afternoon. But before my eye lids could close fully, and my mind could drift off, I was swarmed with guilt.
Guilty for taking a nap when I really should be practicing what I suck at. (i.e. Computer Simulation). Guilty for not better using my time to find a job. Having absolutely zero drive the past few days. Everyday when I switch on my laptop, I typically only have 2 agendas. I tell myself to open up the Arena Software and to check my email. Period.
Along the way, I guess my brain and hand-eye coordination failed to communicate properly. So here I am, always ending up doing all sort of random things – learning “Do you Wanna Build a Snowman” on piano, reading my Kindle once more, looking at my very large pores on my face, making pots of green tea just so I can hear the kettle roar, checking instagram and looking at random popular posts, scrolling tumblr incessantly, and well, lastly, I was napping.
As always I have sudden revelations when I lay still and shut the world out for a brief moment. And that was when I thought about my old house in Bangkit Road. How on Sunday afternoons, we will always be out as a family having lunch after mass and shopping for groceries at Carrefour @ Suntec back in those days. Then, we would all head home and I would study for a maximum of 2 hours before it became 5pm. That signaled ‘Exercise Time’ with my bro.
I could repeat such a schedule every week without complaints. To be honest, I thrive on having a rigid schedule in my life. When I wake up, I need to have breakfast by a certain timing, I need to sleep by a certain timing etc. I also absolutely abhor it when people are ambiguous regarding what to eat, where to meet, when to show up etc. I always think, if I had it my way, how easy it would be!
But today’s mass readings were probably trying to tell me something. And that I don’t live in this World alone. As the Novena priest said, “I once saw a man wearing a T-shirt that said, ‘I love God, but it’s people I cannot stand.’ My dear friends, you cannot love God in an abstract manner. You love God through loving others.”
Yeah well, moment of FML right there since I have been silently hating on the world the past couple of days… Which is bad because initially I felt that nobody understood me and nobody could fathom 0.1% my troubles. But it’s not their duty or their fault actually. And nobody should have to bear the brunt of my troubled self either. So yes, I should ‘Shake, shake, shake it off’ as Taylor Swift sings confidently.
And if shaking my jiggly self doesn’t work, I’m glad I have Krispy Kreme and M&Ms in front of me now. So glad my brother bought an Air Fryer too.
Life is good, this week will be good.
