Muddled
I’ve not come back to this platform for about 1 year now…
It is 11 December 2016 today.
And the year 2016 is once more about to come to its fruition soon.
I was just sharing with Brother Dexter (who is also a part of Seraphim et Agape) on my apparent ‘quarter life crisis’‘… Because I have been a corporate slave for 1.5 years now, and I sincerely feel like there is a lot more to life than merely working the hours away, and earning some form of keep. But the more onerous question then is, what exactly is life about?
Why the fuck were we placed here on this Earth for?
I know very well there is a reasoning and a form of service to be rendered to God…. But I just have not been able to see the big picture as of yet. So it’s not only frustrating, but highly troubling too. :(
This world is filled with plentiful distractions.
Money, Power, Consumerism, Materialism, Appearances……………………
Surely, the list can go on. But these are some of the worldly desires that I personally fall prey to. It saddens me to watch my life turn out this way, because I was never quite that sort of person when I was growing up. I was confident about life, and I was sure that if my life plug got pulled on, I was ready.
In recent days however, negative memories tend to flood my mind regularly. The past hurts by loved ones who called me “fat”, “not tall enough”, “not as pretty as your sister”……….. Then I start questioning my self worth and how I am not good enough, not rich enough, not pretty enough…. How, I am just an ultimate flop, and a failure at life.
It’s a crazy whirlwind in my head, and it’s something I believe, nobody will ever understand. In fact, I don’t even think Fei Fan understands either. And I feel like I’m just hitting a wall every single day. I try running away from the mind games that goes on replay, but I fall flat at the end of the day, only to find myself more defeated than when I first started.
Shopping for the 2017 planner with Fei Fan yesterday made me realize that there are self-help journals created to encourage people to pen down all their dreams, thoughts, and even frustrations. So maybe, if I typed all my random ramblings, the demons in my mind will run away too? Then maybe, I don’t have to run anymore. And maybe, that’s how I shall deconstruct that wall that I keep encountering…………….?
It’s just a few more days left to Christmas, as well as before 2016 comes to an end. I pray for the wisdom and strength, and courage to face each passing day. I know I have a lot to be thankful for the past year, I truly do. But that will probably come later.
Let’s home it comes sooner, than later.
Cheerios,
Cam xx.